Children of lonely habits
People who feel unworthy of love and happiness all have one thing in common — a dysfunctional family.
I have a long history of living with depression. The first symptoms appeared when I was 12 years old and was finally diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 29. What took so long? This is only one of the perks of living in former Yugoslavia or to be more specific, in Serbia. Here, mental issues fall under two categories:
- Coocoo for cocoa pops, shouting at strangers, schizophrenic crazy;
- You are just imagining things, snap out of it, you are just bored, these are not real problems, other people are going hungry and you have no right to feel down.
The fact remains the same. A lot of people, around the world, suffer from one or the other form of depression, and it feels sometimes like we all live in one neighborhood. I do not know why, but it did feel, for the longest time, like every other person I met was diagnosed, or should be diagnosed with some disorder linked to depression.
To be completely honest, I may have been projecting a bit. Some people were probably not depressed, only jerks. Regardless I was surrounded by people who followed similar self-destructive and egocentric patterns to my own. Have you ever seen a relationship between two people struggling with confidence and self-worth? I can tell you that it is based on some major codependent, guilt appropriating, issues avoiding, self-deprecating sex.
“Hate sex” has a different feeling when it is about self-hate on both sides. Frankly, I think you might be missing out. You might not survive it, but hey, it will be fun. Keep an open mind, you never know.
But I digress, this is not what I wanted to talk about. The thing I wanted to talk about is what I have found in common for all these individuals I came across.
We all come from dysfunctional families.
One way or the other, to a different degree, we have all felt a lack of love from our parents. This is not to say that our parents were intentionally bad people, or that they did not love us (which is true I guess in some cases), but that, for some reason, they did not show that love.
Sometimes people get divorced, and the kid feels guilty. Parents fail to notice that due to the stress they are going through, and then try to replace affection with attention. Other times both parents are there, but are unreasonably strict, or argue all the time. The economic situation can sometimes be tough, so people focus on basic needs and not so much on love and attention.
There are so many different ways for a family to be dysfunctional because it takes so much less effort to fuck things up than to maintain them. It is easier to let things just happen than to try and affect the outcome.
One could say that it is the lack of effort that allows shit to hit the fan, but I have seen people who strained their backs to trow it that high.
As a result, people who grow up in dysfunctional families develop something that I call “lonely habits”.
I am sure you have noticed at least one of these either within yourself or your friends.
One of the most common characteristics is that these people are liars. Some even become compulsive liars and wouldn’t even tell you the truth about the good things happening. They must remain a martyr.
They first started lying because they were afraid. Every mistake they made came with aggressive reactions from the parents.
Success is expected, failure is punished hard.
So those kids start lying to avoid confrontation, and they keep feeling guilty for EVERYTHING. This guilt never goes away, ever.
So-called “strict” parents do not realize that they don’t create a better person, only a better liar.
One would think that people who grow up like this are full of self-pity, however, that is not quite the case. They do pitty themselves, but at the same time, they are so self-centered that they feel real guilt for all the shit happening around them. And I do not mean things like world peace or global warming. They feel like the root cause of everyone’s bad mood or sadness. Trust me, when you are in a relationship this comes off as egoistic, self-centered, selfish manipulation, and, to a degree, that is true.
It is a defense mechanism. They felt like the source of bad things in their family, thus it must be true for the rest of the world.
People like this will often ask you if you are ok, why are you feeling bad? Is there something they did that upset you?
Even if you say no, that is not enough. Such a person would feel obligated to fix your bad mood. This is annoying as hell. Understandably, you want to just shut them up with a swift kick to the head.
Unfortunately, that would not help. During their childhood, these people were so often on the receiving end of bad moods, that it is a reflex for them to fix it before it hurts them.
People who suffered angry outbursts during childhood develop a sixth sense. They can sense your bad mood hours before you even realize something is going on inside you.
You will often guess that there was something dysfunctional in someone’s childhood by seeing how they never finish anything. This is because their parents did pretty much the same. They would always complain about their job but do nothing to change it. They would complain about how tough life is but do nothing to improve it. Besides, they would make the child feel guilty about that situation.
“ Everything I do is for you. I cannot afford new clothes for myself because I have to make sure you have everything. I am stuck for 15 years in a crap job only so I can provide for you.”
And there it is, the guilt. So when you talk to a person who used to hear these words growing up you will often hear them tell you about their new grand idea for a book or a business. They will start a new food program, exercise more, etc.
Next time you see them, there will be another exciting project on the menu. If asked about the old one, you will hear thousands of reasons why they had to quit. And the guilt inside them will grow and grow. The worst part is that those can be some pretty good ideas. There are a ton of reasons these projects do not take off, but one most common is that they never think someone will support them. There is no willpower, no self-worth, no drive.
They are sure about only one thing: They are not good enough.
“If only I was a better child, my father/mother would not have to act like that.”
“If only I was a better boyfriend he/she would have never left.”
They cannot grasp that people can be assholes, or just stupid.
“If only I was better” is a life motive.
Often you will find these people have grown up to fast. They taught themselves how to read at age 5, they were straight-A students, good at sports, or art. They took care of their younger siblings. They just wanted to be a grown-up, because nobody yells at the adults. Adults do the yelling.
When they finally do grow up, and they find out that adults are mean to each other as well, they start feeling fragile and week as when they were kids.
So they never have a chance to grow up, they just learn how to pay the bills.
People coming from dysfunctional families easily grow habits that, if untreated can lead toward depression, anxiety or other mental disorders. I have seen it develop as far as an antisocial personality disorder. My father is exactly that kind of a sociopath, thus my own dysfunctional family comes into play.
However, in most cases, these people have been feeling guilty, misunderstood, mistreated and lonely their whole life.
They are hardwired to self destruct.
So, if you wonder why are you, your partner, your friend, acting similar to what I have described it is not 100% your fault.
That being said, these behaviors are treatable.
In most developed communities (looking at you Scandinavian countries) kids from dysfunctional families will get therapy and counseling in time, and never develop these traits.
In others, there is still a lot of stigma and taboo around mental health.
One way or the other, these are challenges that we must face and overcome as we mature into adulthood, and start families of our own.
It might not be all our fault, but a sad childhood is not a valid reason to act like a dick to everyone around you.
There are always reasons for our behavior, but at some point, it has to stop being an excuse.